Today's Parant

Taming temper tantrums

<p>Nine hundred and eighty-seven. That’s about how many temper tantrums Judy Arnall, a Calgary parent educator and mom of five, has weathered — so far. Some have been epic — like the time her youngest was six and they clashed over a big bag of chips. He wanted them immediately; she planned to save them for later. He spirited the bag away to his room, emptied it onto the floor, and smashed every chip into his carpet. He was very thorough.

Kids — big and little — sometimes melt down. Toddlers and preschoolers are old enough to want to do something interesting yet not big enough to manage it, and not equipped emotionally to deal with the resulting frustration. When bigger kids (also striving to do things their way) have tantrums, it plays out differently: not so much going limp at the mall, more door slamming and yelling. Mike Boyes, a child psychologist at the University of Calgary, explains why older kids may lose it: “They’re dealing with complicated issues of independence. They’re moving to a more sophisticated way of thinking, but they’re not quite able to manage it yet.”

Taking their temperament

At any age, how well a child manages discomfort, disappointment or confusion is partly a matter of temperament, the measure of personality characteristics she was born with: how persistent, sensitive, adaptable she is, how intense her reactions are, how predictable her sleep and eating patterns, how negative or positive her mood.

In small or bigger doses, these traits can add up to a kid with a short fuse. “A child might have trouble switching from one activity to another,” explains Arnall. “He might have a tantrum when it’s time to leave the video store.” A last-minute change of plans can cause a similar reaction. Persistence, meanwhile, is a good trait, she says, but it also means you can’t pull your child away from an activity and a tantrum might be the result. “When a child is sensitive, he may take offence very easily. And if a child is intense, when he gets mad, it’s over the top.” Still, no matter how sensitive or persistent a kid is, everyone has to learn to restrain the urge to kick and scream.

Meltdown fix-ups
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Our experts offer these soothing suggestions:

When your child is small:
Love him as he is. “Temperament is just something we’re born with,” says Vancouver parenting coach Barbara Desmarais, “and it’s easier to accept it rather than wish it was different or try to change it.”

Measure your response. If a little child is having a tantrum, Desmarais suggests, “stay close by so he feels safe — his rage is uncomfortable and confusing to him.” (At the same time, she cautions against heaping attention on a child in a fury. “You want to assure the child he’s safe without sending the message the tantrum paid off.”)
Target triggers. You may be able to predict, and pre-empt, tantrums in a susceptible child. “Get to know your child’s natural rhythms,” urges Desmarais. “When is he likely to get overtired? How often does he need to eat?” And because frustration so often leads to tantrums, be sure that your child gets to make some of his own decisions — within reasonable boundaries.


http://www.todaysparent.com/parenting/raising-your-kids/taming-temper-tantrums